*After living a life of solitude for the last 14 years, you decide to leave your cave to explore the real world and find companionship. Luckily enough, you notice a new house of worship in your neighborhood that provides singles like you with opportunities to find your soulmate. You step inside and a tall woman wearing a cloak made of mirrors greets you.*
Welcome to the Temple of Holy Everlasting Loyal Love!
Here at Temple H.E.L.L., we provide marriage services to those who seek it and those who avoid it.
Marriage is the great union between two or more people.
Are you here to get married today?
[[I need to find my other->Yes]]
[[I desire purely sexual relations without any of the romance->love fails]]
Congratulations!
At Temple H.E.L.L, we will try our best to match you with someone you can lovelovelove forever.
Quick question: do you want to be matched to a human or animal?
[[Human]]
[[Animal->love fails]]Good choice! Humans tend to make superior mates for other humans.
Tell me... of these activities, which sounds more appealing to you?
[[Hunting ghosts]]
[[Painting walls]]
[[None of these sounds appealing to me->love fails]]
Aren't you a brave one! Luckily for you, Temple H.E.L.L's basement is haunted! Will you help us capture the ghost?
[[HELL yes!->HELL yes!1]]
[[HELL no->love fails]]Great! We at Temple H.E.L.L love any and all displays of art.
There's a dead man in our basement. Can you help us paint the walls with his blood?
[[HELL yes!->HELL yes!2]]
[[HELL no->love fails]]*The woman's demeanor suddenly changes from welcoming to downright terrifying as her eyes seem to be ablaze with fire. You fear for what is to come next. She yells.*
What a wimp! You fail the test of love and will probably die alone sometime soon.
<font size="20">**Get out of our temple!**</font>
*You walk into the basement and a chill runs down your back.You see a man slumped in a corner and smell blood. You feel sick, but the woman follows and is completely calm.
You see a closet violently shaking. You have only ever captured one ghost in your life. You ask yourself: am I really ready for this?*
[[There is no such thing as fear->Of course I am]]
[[I am ruled by my negative emotions->love fails]]*You walk into the basement and a chill runs down your back. You see a man slumped in a corner and smell blood. You feel sick, but the woman follows and is completely calm.
You can tell the blood is fresh and ripe for painting, but for some reason you don't have the urge to paint with* this *medium. You think to yourself: can I really express myself with someone else's life-juice?*
[[All artistic expression is valid artistic expression]]
[[Art is for suckers->love fails]]*You open the closet and a pale figure jumps out at you. It starts screaming and richocheting itself off the walls, screaming too loudly for you to speak and moving too fast for you to see its face.*
[[Scream back]]
[[Retreat!->love fails]]
*The ghost ceases all movement and sound. He looks disgusted by the human noise. He gets paler and paler until he is translucent and then invisible.*
Looks like you're even more disturbing than the ghost. Ha!
Follow me into the den of potential lovemaking human machines, if you dare. . .
[[Be a follower]]
[[You are a leader not a follower->love fails]] *With your hands you scoop up fresh blood and apply it across the walls in wide strokes. It is thick and sticky. You write a phrase that you find appropriate for the Temple: "meat stinks, but love is fragrant". Soon enough, the mural is as finished as the dead man's bloodflow*
You're so corny. Love is fragrant? Ha!
Nonetheless, you can still follow me into the den of lovemaking human machines if you dare. . .
[[Be a follower]]
[[You are a leader not a follower->love fails]] (set: $fiance to (either: "Houda the Horny", "Budi the Butcher", "Suzuki the Sumo Wrestler", "Durrani the Dupe", "Electra the Electrician", "Mikhael the Microeconomist", "Muhammad the Multilevel Marketing Employee", "Pyrrhon the Pyramid Schemer"))
*You enter the den of lovemaking human machines where people lay lounging around on red velvet cushioned couches eating fresh grapes and pomegranates. Nobody is particularly attractive to you, but then again, you are probably not particularly attractive to anybody.*
Here are all of our lovely potential life-mates! Aren't they all so breathtaking? I think $fiance is a perfect match for you. Let's get you both aquainted.
[[Normal humans socialize]]
[[Socialization leads to radicalization->love fails]](set: $offering to (either: "dildos and whips", "two goats, an apple, and an orange", "$(random: 1, 9000) in cold, hard cash", "$(random: 1, 9000) in cold, hard Monopoly money", "an electric sofa", "a used pickup truck", "a krav maga class package", "a candlelit McDonald's dinner"))
*You meet the potential spouse-to-be and can't help but think how unlucky they are. You expect them to laugh in your face - but they don't. In fact, they have a marriage offering: $offering.*
[[I need material goods as confirmation of another person's love for me]]
[[I desire nothing including love and gifts->love fails]]**<font size= 20 px> Congratulations! </font>**
In acceptance of this gift, you two are bound together in love for the rest of eternity. We hope you return sometime soon to Temple H.E.L.L. to welcome a third partner into your new clan.